Rorschach's Nightmare

Good news horror fanatics!

Jackie Earle Haley, the actor who shot to geeky fame for his recent portrayal of the anti-hero Rorschach in the blockbuster-mixed reviewed-comic fan Utopian dream Watchmen, is cast to be the new Freddie Krueger in a modern remake of the horror/slasher series classic Nightmare On Elm Street, which was popular during the 80's to 90's.

Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen

Robert Englund as the previous Freddie Krueger

I'm not sure if it's a reboot kind of remake, although that would seem likely, since the last Elm Street film was like, more than a decade ago. I'm not including Freddy VS Jason, because films like that are a half-assed reason to make money, the sad part is that the people who pay for it expect quality scary moments. I mean, it's TWO murdering pyscho spawns of badness, it has to be scary, right?

Evidently not.

I already made a rant about my love/hate relationship with horror movie remakes in my previous post: "Horror Remakes Get Scarier Every Time...Really", so I'm not gonna do that anymore. I've learned to accept my infinite frustrations with the black holes of entertainment.

Do I have any hope that this new Nightmare On Elm Street remake will deliver the good kind of horror?

Not really. But I plan to watch it anyway. I'm stupid like that.

"The Unborn" Film Review

I loved the trailer. I just wish I didn’t waste so much money to actually watch the movie.

The Unborn is a supernatural horror film directed and written by David S. Goyer in 2009. The film stars Odette Yustman, Meagan Good, Gary Oldman, Cam Gigandet, Ethan Cutkosky, James Remar, and Jane Alexander.

Another one watch wonder, if it even warrants a “wonder.” To be fair, 90% of horror movies can only be watched once to get the maximum scare effect, a rewatch would simply be like replaying a live play. I’ve had more fun watching The Strangers, and I wasn’t too kind to that movie either. The thing is, The Unborn has no brain. I mean, it doesn’t require thinking. Or rather, it pretends to require you to think, before you realize that you’ll like the film more if you don’t invest your few precious neurons to it. In The Strangers, your curiosity is endlessly piqued because you want to know about those psychopathic killers and you’re constantly wondering what will happen next and why, so you do get some justifiable thrill. With the Unborn, sure, you’re wondering why, but then the movie feeds you these backgrounds, histories, and reasons that are totally unreasonable and then you figure out that the best way to enjoy the metaphysical-ness of the story is to ignore it all. And all you can do is just wait for the scary parts to do their job. But do they do their job?

The dog with the human mask was creepy as hell, all the kids were creepy as hell (extra kudos to Ethan Cutkosky), and the exorcist twist-off was creepy as hell, but everything else in between was just a waste of time. The scare factors itself weren’t all too bad, with the surround sound and dark ambiance of the movie theater, it can certainly give you chills, I actually felt a few good goosebumps that weren’t caused by the typical freezing temperature of the movie house. The audience reactions were also a hoot, I loved hearing the movie goers scream, and giggle, a lot.

Odette Yustman, also known as the Jessica Alba and Megan Fox hybrid, tried in vain to carry the movie. It was a little hard for me to take her acting seriously when she’s strutting her panty-clad ass towards the screen. The only sparkling personality is Meagan Good, who plays the inevitably killed best friend. That’s only a spoiler if you’re too dense to realize that best friends always die in these horror films. I kinda cheered quietly when I saw Gary Oldman on the screen. With his appearance, I thought maybe the movie would grant us a little sense to make the average intellectual happy. But then, he and his Christian priest friend decided to sprout off pretentious facts about the history of the world, religion, and the almighty dybbuk, and I just started to zone out until the final showdown.

Overall, The Unborn is twice as fun (which still isn’t as fun as you’d want) if you watch it in its run in the theaters, but was the ticket price ultimately worth it? Not to me.

"Saw V" Film Review

92 minutes of my young life, dirtied and wasted.

Saw V is horror film directed by David Hackl in 2008. This is the fifth movie in the Saw franchise. It stars Julie Benz, Meagan Good, Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, and Betsy Russell.

My friends and I watched Saw V on a whim, because we wanted to be entertained. Well, wrong move. Most of my friends slept through the parts where the two detectives were playing their boring little game of cat and mouse. Saw V didn’t seem like a movie at all, it was barely even an attempt at horror or thrill, and could have just as easily been a 92 minute deleted scene. Not even Tobin Bell’s chilling performance as the psychopathic life coach, Jonathan Kramer (aka The Jigsaw Killer), could save this ridiculous half-assed movie. Sure, the puzzles were as disgusting and unthinkable as they ever were and the victims were as annoying and stupid as we hoped they wouldn’t be, but the whole scenario is pointless and totally unrelated to anything that was happening in the “main story.” And the main story, is a complete waste of time. The audience already knew (since the previous film actually) who the new Jigsaw killer was, so there was no suspense at all. The attempt in making the apprentice killer appear like a tortured hero out for revenge against the true evils of the world, is quite simply, lame. Not only that, the casting was a poor choice as well, or maybe it was the stylist’s fault, because my friends had a little trouble discerning which detective was which since they looked a lot alike. The dark lighting and environment didn’t help at all.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I expected a Saw movie to satisfy my craving for some entertainment. To be fair though, I admit that I was a little entertained by Saw V, after all, I couldn't help but quietly chuckle every so often by its pure awfulness. I mean sure, the first Saw film was unlike any slasher/horror flick I’ve ever seen, and it was genius-like in its numerous twists. However, the succeeding films only serve to exploit the disturbing human curiosity for morbidity and gore. Saw V is proof that the franchise is getting worse and that nobody really cares as long as they get their fix of torture porn.

Wrong move, man. So wrong.

Jigsaw: “Vengeance can change a person. It can make them realize what they’re capable of.”

Horror Remakes Get Scarier Every Time....Really

Has the writer's block spread so vastly that the movie franchise can no longer create new and interesting stories? Where has all the innovative writing gone to? Is it lost in the abyss of Cyberspace?

Sorry for the drama, but I just can't help but shake my head at those disappointing remakes. Particularly in horror flicks. The majority of remakes in this genre just does NOT work. The special effects crew get a little way too excited with all the superfluous computer graphics.

Here is a list of all the more popular recent remakes I know of:

1960 13 Ghosts, remade in 2001
1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, remade in 2003
1978 Dawn of the Dead, remade in 2004
1979 The Amityville Horror, remade in 2005
1953 House of Wax, remade in 2005
1980 The Fog, remade in 2005
1973 Wicker Man, remade in 2006
1976 The Omen, remade in 2006
1977 The Hills Have Eyes, remade in 2006
1979 When a Stranger Calls, remade in 2006
1979 Black Christmas, remade in 2006
1986 The Hitcher, remade in 2007
1978 Holloween, remade in 2007
1985 Day of the Dead, remade in 2008

Now that I've posted evidence of how ridiculously fond the entertainment people are of remakes, I'm afraid to say that it actually gets worse. They will be making a remake of Friday the 13th (in theaters Feb 13, 2009), and Nightmare On Elm Street.

Friday the 13th film poster

Don't even get me started on those sequels that just waste another 2 hours of my life. Speaking of, Scream 4 will be released in 2010.

Will the horrific horrors ever end???

I guess with the financial crisis, the producers are having trouble funding actual good writers, and they have to make do with recycling old stories instead. Or, maybe they're corrupt selfish sharks that don't want to pay good writers what they deserve. Good thing the writer's strike is over...or is it? dun dun dun, now that is a real horror.

Come on people, give the audience something new!

I mean, how hard is it to find a new way to stab, torture, maim, murder, run over, devour, cut, slice, tear, hit, pound, slay, impale, kill, kill, kill, those pretty, crazy, emo, stupid people apart, around, all over the ugly house, the weird woods, the cliched school, the creepy small town, with kitchen knives, chainsaws, zombies, masked psychopaths, deformed hillbillies, demon spawns, and freak accidents?

"Twilight" Film Review

After all those months of waiting, speculating, and agonizing over the Twilight phenomenon, I finally, finally watched it a mere few hours ago. The question is, did the Twilight movie deliver?

Twilight is a 2008 teenage vampire romance film directed by Catherine Hardwicke. The film is based on the Twilight novel by Stephanie Meyer. The film stars Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Cam Gigandet, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Ashley Greene, and Jackson Rathbone.

I have NOT read the book. I will be reviewing this movie solely as a bystander who was only slightly influenced by both the awed fans of Twilight, and those who think that Twilight is an insipid offence to good literature.

Having said all that, I was a little skeptical of all the hoopla about the movie. By the time I got to watch it, all I expected to see was an angsty-lovey-dovey-hormonal-psuedogothic-vampire-semiaction-teenflick.

And I got exactly what I expected to see.

The movie is worth watching, there is no doubt about that, it was entertaining in itself even without the novel background. I would probably watch it even if it isn’t as uberfamous as it is. The main problem I have with this whole Twilight phenomenon is that its reputation precedes what it delivers. Was the Twilight movie even actually good?

Sure, the vampire superhuman action was fun to watch, but it left the audience a little short, especially in the final “fight scene.” Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had a believable chemistry. And an extra kudos to Kristen Stewart, because as expected, she was an amazing actress. She brought a subtle strength to Bella that I didn’t expect her character to have. I don’t think Edward Cullen would make me immediately drop to my knees and beg him to marry me, but I understand his appeal. Robert Pattinson has definitely proven himself worthy of the “beautiful Edward Cullen” character. I also loved the rest of the Cullen family. Any scene with the whole family are my favorite scenes in the film. Seeing more of them is enough of an incentive to see the next film, “New Moon.” The music was also good, if not a little clichéd in some parts. That Debussy thing? Over the top cheesiness. But still understandable, after all, it wouldn’t have been an authentic teen-vampire-love story if some classical music wasn’t mentioned. Speaking of cheesiness, even though I’m a self-confessed hopeless romantic, there were still some parts in the film that just made me instinctively roll my eyes, particularly the parts when Edward and Bella are alone in the woods acting out the tortured love thing. Was not amused, nor entertained in those parts. Way, way, WAY too much cheese, and it wasn’t the yummy, creamy Mozzarella kind.

But overall, Twilight is a good film, and a great excuse to go to the mall after school. The movie gave me a new respect for the Twilight novel series, even if it didn’t totally convince me to want to read it. By the way, for all those who still think that the Bella character is a weak teenage girl who is absolutely obsessed with her controlling boyfriend, I disagree. In the movie (and I’m not sure if this is solely thanks to the brilliance of Kristen Stewart), Bella clearly takes charge of what she wants, and Edward was clearly the one taking orders from Bella. I don’t know about the novel, but I am really happy with how the movie portrayed Bella’s character.

So I ask again, did Twilight really deliver?

Well…

It satisfied my expectations, but to be honest, I was a skeptic from the start and I didn’t have very high expectations. Do I think the Twilight film is worthy of fanatics sleeping outside theaters waiting for the opening?

Simply. No.

"The Strangers" Film Review

I saw this film thanks to a friend’s insistence. I can’t say I’m completely disappointed, at least my curiosity is relieved, and it was a good enough reason to go to the mall. The Strangers was released months ago during May in the US, but it just recently showed here in the Philippines.

The Strangers in a horror/slasher film directed and written by Bryan Bertino in 2008. The movie stars Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, and Gemma Ward.

(Spoilers. Spoilers. Spoilers. And even more spoilers. You are duly warned.)

There are tons of (admittedly) scary appearances, creepy scenes, and people scaring other people just for the hell of it. The scare factor in The Strangers is good, but only for a one-time viewing. Needless to say, it’s not rewatchable (I know it’s not a word, bear with me). The meaninglessness of the whole film gets to you after half an hour of watching Liv Tyler crawling around the woods. After a while, I got tired of the chase, hide, and run routine and I just wanted to know why, why, oh why, those masked people were doing what they were doing in such an ugly fashion (somewhat literally, what’s up with that suit?).

Unfortunately, after all that tedious hullabaloo, The Strangers doesn’t quench the audience’s thirst for an answer. Part of me can somewhat grasp that grave psychopathological damage is enough of a motivation for those masked people, maybe they really did just want to kill people for the hell of it, but that is such a cop out reason. Why wear those masks if you’re gonna kill those people anyway? Why remove those masks if you’re gonna kill those people anyway? Why kill those people? Why those people? No answers at all. The Strangers doesn’t even pretend to have any significant reason, it’s just a playground of insanity and malice. The last fifteen minutes of the movie is particularly horrible, in every sense. And, why in the world are those children so frickin creepy? The constant scowl on their faces makes me think that maybe they’re the evil masterminds behind all the madness. I mean really, they didn’t even scream when they saw those bodies, in fact the bodies screamed when they saw the children!

I have to applaud all the actors, Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Kip Weeks, Gemma Ward, and Laura Margolis. Tyler and Speedman were convincing. The emotional turmoil they were under even before the masked people came was heartbreaking in itself, and it made a disturbingly touching moment in the end when Speedman’s character, James Hoyt, saw Tyler’s character Kristen McKay wearing the engagement ring. They helped make the pointless movie bearable.

The problem I have with The Strangers is that it wasted a perfectly good opportunity to explore a disturbingly intriguing subject, psychopathic killers. The film was supposedly based on the Manson killers, and Liv Tyler has mentioned that the original script had more scenes with the masked people, so why didn’t they show that instead? All we get in the film is scare factor fodder that gets old after the tenth time we see the masks show up then leave. To be honest, placing myself in that situation, out in the middle of nowhere in an unfamiliar house with insane strangers trying to kill me, just genuinely imagining it scares the crap out of me. What I'm saying is that the film could have been better.

But it wasn't that bad though, the director, Bryan Bertino, made good use of that creepy omg-I-think-someone-is-watching-me-omg-I-think-something-just-touched-me-omg-I-think-someone-is-out-there feeling that you get when you’re alone in an unfamiliar place. Because in this film, someone really is out there. The music was also a good touch for creepiness, the broken record heightens the panic during tense scenes.

Don’t expect any groundbreaking insight into the minds of psychopaths, don’t expect any confusing plot twists and surprises, and don’t expect any happy ending closure goodness. But overall, The Strangers is a good enough flick if you’re looking to waste an afternoon getting an adrenaline rush.

Also, I was quite surprised (and impressed) to find out that the masked people, whose faces the audience never ever saw, are actually really good looking actors.

Gemma Ward, the blonde masked dollface is an Australian model. Ward is reported to be the youngest model ever to be listed as the American Vogue’s “It Girls.”

Laura Margolis the Pin-Up Mask girl, she plays Daisy from Dirty Sexy Money.

Kip Weeks.

"Prom Night" Film Review

Prom Night is a slasher horror film directed by Nelson McCormick and written by J.S. Cardone. The film stars Brittany Snow, Jonathon Schaech, Scott Porter, Dana Davis, Collins Pennie, Jessalyn Gilsig, and Idris Elba.

(Major Spoilers)

The basic story of the whole film?

Guy loves girl
Girl hates guy
Guy kills girl’s family (while girl does nothing and hides under the bed)
Girl escapes and lives happily ever after-NOT
Guy kill girl’s friends
Guy almost kills girl
But girl is saved by police after everyone else has already died
Yaytheend!!

Prom Night is a pretty, straightforward slasher film. In every sense. It’s deliciously predictable, if not boringly so. The title: Prom Night has no bearing on the story whatsoever other than the fact that the whole killing spree happened on prom night. I actually liked the fact that Richard Fenton (Jonathon Scaech) only used a knife. The killing scenes are repetitive, in that Fenton used a knife to stab his victims multiple times, but each scene was no less disturbing and mortifying. However, the protagonists and victims didn’t really muster much sympathy from me.

The good parts of the film:

- Jonathon Schaech’s performance

- Editing. The lighting fluctuations added to Richard Fenton’s creepiness, and it accentuated the parts when he was stabbing his victims.

Ugly parts:

- Lisa’s (Dana Davis) dying scene. I understand that when a murdering psycopath is after you, a person can get quite hysterical. But really, who in the world would frantically run backwards on their way to an exit? Only people begging to be slashed from the back, that's who.

- The overall ‘dont-go-there-scream-dammit-scream-why-you-so-stupid’ feeling you get for Brittany Snow’s character.

Some important advice for the people of the world?

When the fire alarm is going off at the hotel you’re staying in, please DON’T go back up to your room, using the frickin elevator no less, to get a stupid ass shawl. I mean come on. Would anyone really risk burning alive for a frickin shawl? If it was studded with millions worth of diamonds I’d understand, but it wasn’t even that pretty!

Another oh-so important advice? If pretty people being brutally killed by a ruggedly handsome creepy, psycho with a knife is not your cup of frappuccino, then Prom Night ain’t worth it.